Pirates

So it turns out that at the end of Pirates of the Caribbean At Worlds End after the credits there is a Ten Years Later. If you’ve watched the movie you may or may not have known this. Anyways it turns out that on Will Turners first visit to shore before he has to be at sea for ten years he knocks up Elizabeth Swan. The ten years later they show Swan and the boy child on the island Swan was left on to wait for Turners return. Watch it if you want but it’s basically a waste of time. It was kind of lame if you ask me.

The Beatles And Reminders From God

I’m sitting here alone listening to Beatles music preformed by a sting orchestra. There are so many things dancing through my mind right now. I don’t know what to think first or how to even clear my thoughts. I’ve been in such a spiritual Fog lately. I can’t even hear God’s voice clearly. I must admit that it’s easier to hear God speak when He’s using willing servant to speak. God reminded me, through a pastor at my church, that as much as the devil wants me to think that ending my time on this earth is the only way out of this valley I seem hopelessly trapped in it’s not. God also reminded me that the feeling of worthlessness is also a lie from the biggest liar of them all. I’m more worthy than ever. I’m worth more than Christ’s life. God loves me so much that He allowed His own Son to die for me. That is more than I can ever hope to repay. I can’t repay that price no matter how hard I try. I’m sitting here listening to The Beatles and getting a clear picture. This is weird. Anyways I know the fog is lifting but I’m still in the valley walking in endless circles looking for my mountain top and trying to wait patiently for God’s clarity. Patients isn’t one of my strong suits. I’m as weak as the next person and I always want my way now. God’s working on that in my life. This Beatles music reminds me of the one thing I’m so impatient for right now; that one man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. God told me He has someone special for me. I just have to stop pushing and wait. Ir’s so hard and it’s not getting easier with the army guy I’m stupid over right now back in town. It wasn’t so bad while he wasn’t in town. Well it kind of was because it felt awkward around all of my friends that are all couples. I just want to settle down and get married. Is that so abnormal for a 23 year old? I don’t even care if I die working the same job I’ve had for the last three years. I just don’t want to die alone. Well I know I’m not alone. God is here with me all the time. But I want the love I was promised while here on earth. I feel so alone looking at all the happy people around me. It’s so hard trying to put on a happy face around the happy people. I know everyone struggles like I do but I just want a piece of the happiness they seem to spill out everywhere they go. Movies and books have ruined my idea of love. This world has ruined my idea of love. Is there anyway to erase all the love I’ve read about and seen? I know the answer to that. It’s NO. God is Love but he also said that man shouldn’t be alone so he gave Adam a mate. There is one perfect person for everyone. If I kill myself then my perfect person will be alone forever. It was never my life to take anyways. This is a long and messed up entry. Sorry to anyone that has read this so far. It’s turning into a journal entry. Oh well. That’s what blogs are for. Anyways ya the Beatles are reminding me of my need to depend on God more and remember that He can’t break a promise once He’s made it. He’s promised me the man I’m searching for and now I just need to sit back and wait. Everything will happen when it’s supposed to happen according to the plan God has for me.

True Happiness

 Once upon a time lived a beautiful woman. She seemed very happy to everyone that met her. Little did they know that she felt lonely no matter how many people were around her.

One day the woman met a handsome man. She allowed her walls to be broken down and let herself be truly happy. This wouldn’t last forever though.

The man had to leave town due to the job he had. The woman then shut herself off from the world again. She couldn’t stop feeling lonely even when she was with her friends again. She even found herself feeling a little jealous because all of her friends were happy.

God looked down on the woman and told her that He was the man she was looking for. He was the man that would never leave her alone or hurting. He would never let her down. From that day on when she smiled she felt it on the inside aswell.

The woman still found herself feeling alone when she was around her friends, but when she did she remembered that God was on her side. She knew no matter how lonely she felt God would never leave her side.

500 hits and 23 years later

My beautiful blog here has mad it to 500 hits. Celebrate. I haven’t been on here in forever so I only just discovered this fact. Another fact is that I have officially turned 23. That may be the age I am on paper but believe me I feel at least twice that age. Your only as old as you feel I believe the saying is. I think that saying is supposed to be for older people that feel younger than they are not for younger people that feel older than they are. I hang out with people close to my age and a little bit older yet I still feel old. I hang out with people older than myself and yet I still feel old. My point is that no matter who I’m with I feel old and out of place. Thanks to all my faithful readers(if there are any out there) for helping me to reach 500 hits. Hopefully this year is better for me than the last few years of my life.

Bitterness

People that have read some of my previous posts may or may not know I’m talking about myself. I’m just realizing now that I never once mentioned that I am not bitter and I don’t think all men are scum. Let me clarify. I’ve been heart broken too many times to count in the past and each time I’m left with less and less to give the next guy. Recently I’ve stopped throwing myself at guys at the advice of a dear friend and my sister. I know God is working on my heart and helping me to grow and mature. I wish I could see where I was going in life a little better but God is looking out for me and knows what’s best for me. In the end I know God is the only guy who will never leave me, hurt me, forsake me, or shatter my already shattered heart. He is the one guy that proves not all men are scum. I also know that He has someone picked out for me and He will let me know when the right guy is right in front of me. I’ve had a lot of prayer concerning this over the last three weeks also. God knows I want to get married to the man He has picked out for me and I know it’ll happen in His time and not mine. As my two pastors have said the last three Sunday’s, in a row now, God didn’t put these desires in my heart just to leave me hanging. He put them in my heart so He could fulfil them. In the end it’s all about me trusting and believing that God knows what He’s doing and not letting myself get hurt and bitter as I set myself up for heartbreak.

My Never Ending Dilemma

So someone said I needed to post another blog entry. This is something I’ve been meaning to to but have yet to have the inspiration. I haven’t written any new poetry, short stories, essays, or anything for that matter other than a couple of journal entries lately. So basically this post is a post to say I’m seriously experiencing massive amounts of writers block. And to the person that left the comment about my lacking posts: I’m working on it. I should have some new stuff up as soon as the writers block ends. Also I had no clue you even read my blog. It was a nice surprise. Thanks.

New Year and New Beginnings

So today is officially the first day of yet another year. This means that there is two months and fifteen days until I turn twenty-three. So much has happened, both good and bad, in the last year. It seems like only yesterday I was worried about my twentieth birthday. I can’t believe that was almost three years ago now. Now my two best friends are moving on and up in life and I’m stuck where I was last year. My one best friend recently got engaged and will soon be planning her wedding. My other best friend has graduated from college and is currently working in a field that will take her one step closer to fulfilling her dream to become a cop. As for me, I’m still living at home working the same job I was three years ago. The only differences now is that I’m full time at work, I’m thinking about going to school, and I’m super single still. There is one guy in my life that has potential but so far nothing from him other than flirting to prove he’s at all interested in me. It’s frustrating not knowing how he really feels about me. It’s frustrating not knowing if I’m really called to be a youth pastor. Doubt has played a big part in my life lately. I’ve been doubting about school, about work, and about relationships. I want to go to school and become a youth pastor. I also want to stay here and work. I finally found a job I like and people I love working with. I really don’t want to leave right now. I also want to settle down and get married. I’m even willing to stop caring if the guy is military. In all honestly I think I can handle being married to a military man. I’ve fallen so hard for this guy it’s not even funny. This game is sucking. Anyways I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. I look back at this year and see how much I’ve grown. I’ve also stumbled in the same places I stumbled before. After two and a half years I started having suicidal thoughts again. It’s been about three weeks since my last suicidal thought; which is good; but I’ve also been struggling with not shutting myself in again. It seems I prefer to try and rely on my own strength rather than God’s strength. I battle inside myself instead of seeking help of friends and family. That is something I haven’t figured out yet. I’ve grown a lot this last year though. I’m definitely closer with God now than I ever have been. It’s a constant struggle to remain close to Him though. That will change over time though. Even I know that much. Is it weird that I sometimes wish I could disappear sometimes? I don’t know. Maybe it is. Well hopefully this year is full of happy memories, good times, good friends, lots of love, and growth for me and everyone else. Welcome to 2008.

Christmas

So apparently it’s that time of the year again. ‘Tis the season to go into debt as I have been saying a lot lately. Everyone seems to be spending so much time and money buying stuff for people that are often ungrateful anyways. The commercialism is what gets me the most. Everyone forgets the real reason we are free to celebrate this season. Yes I’m talking about the miracle of Christ’s birth over 2000 years ago. Why is it every year people are always more ready to spend loads of cash on presents for their 500 friends and their family than they are to spend time helping the needy and remembering Jesus? This year instead of spending hundreds of dollars and buying something for all of my friends I bought gifts for my parents, siblings, and my boss who is practically family anyways. In the end I think it’s easier to thankful for the good times I have with my friends and family this time of year than to go out and spend needless amounts of time in stores lined up for hours to buy the latest and greatest toy for some kid that will break it shortly after opening it. I’d rather give food to the food bank than a present to a friend I only talk to once in awhile anyway. So To everyone still reading my blog may your Christmas be filled with family, friends, and joy. Don’t forget who’s birth you’re celebrating in all of the business of the season. Merry Christmas.

Life, Love, And Lies

      Once upon a time there lived a princess. She lived in a tall tower by herself. She wasn’t locked in the tower or even guarded. She just never liked climbing all of the stairs all that often.

One beautiful fall afternoon a handsome prince found the princess’ tower and wished to stay the night. The princess allowed this because the prince was exceptionally kind and severely lost.

The prince and princess became instant friends. After getting to know the prince the princess found herself falling for the prince. When the prince realized this he knew he had to share his secret with the princess. The prince, it turned out, was dating another prince at the time.

The princess soon grew bored with the prince and her tower. She left the tower and found a taller one in a distant land to live in. Soon she meet a far more handsome prince and thought she was in love.

The prince and princess began a courtship. Eventually the prince proposed marriage. The princess, thinking she was in love, accepted. While planning the wedding the princess realized she was making a mistake and quickly ended the courtship with the prince.

Bitter and angry with men the princess decided to stay single. Shortly after reaching this decsion a third prince came into the princess’ life.

The princess was ready to sew the pieces of her shattered heart back together and give it to the prince. Then the prince finally admitted that he only liked the princess as a friend.

Hurt once again the princess decided all men were scum. The princess lived bitterly ever after in her lonely tower.

Love

Moving … On from you

Changing … Into a better person

Growing … Into who I really am

Being … True to myself

 

Living … A better life

Loving … With the shattered pieces

Laughing … With real freinds

Hurting … No longer

 

Crying … And laughing at the same time

Feeling … Less pain all the time

Missing … Being wrapped in another’s arms

Seeing … A future without pain

 

Lying … Here day dreaming

Jerking … Awake from another sweet dream

Flying … High with the Spirit of God

Playing … And remembering youth